Helping Spirit

Dear all,

Ha..i have someth to confess..

It's like some kinda 'flaw' or defect in me..somehow when i CAN help some1, i usually feel rather obliged to do so, and failure to do so would result in me feeling guilty when i go thinking 'Man, i coulda done someth about that..'

I tink it first started when i had this close friend, and when i felt like i was starting to know her pretty well, then at the end of the sec 3 year she suddenly told me that she was dropping Chemistry for her O level.

That was a shock..for me..i mean, i knew she wasn't doing fantastic for it, but i din know it was THAT bad..i started to wonder if i had been more concerned with her results and asked about it, if i had found out that she was struggling with academic studies, i could have offered help and allowed her to tide over the exams or someth..it was like a stark reminder that i should be more concerned about people around me..I took it literally as MY FAULT for allowing that to happen to a friend when i could've done something about it..

Now, dun go and tell me what i should be thinking, cos i KNOW all that..It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out tt eventually, all of us have to be responsible for our own choices in life, and I AM not responsible for what someone did not do..but then again, i know that, but i just don't operate that way.

So anyway, i've made adjustments to my tinking since then..so now, it is customary for me to be offering my service to almost everyone whom i can reach to, in ways that i can help, and if they don't take advantage of that, i'll start to think that 'hey, i offered, you just did not take it up..' so that justifies me when anyth happens. Pretty self centred/serving in a way, but i guess i AM offering my services in assistance anyway possible [i preety much go out of my way to do so..almost..unless it's ridiculous]..yea..so that's how i justify myself sometimes..and you cannot really expect me to jump into anyone's life and start changing stuff..it just ain't happening that way..

The second best way to help someone is to help when help is requested, and of course the best way is to help until no help is required [teaching them to learn instead of relying on me]

So to ppl out there who are wondering if you should take advantage of whatever i offer you, pls DO SO! or else i will feel guilty if someth happen to you that i could have prevented..ha..yepps..hah..all part of accepting grace..

-endz

SIGNIFICANT COOLNESS!

Dear all

Haha..i am very very contented and happy right now! ha..just got back the last of my papers and it was awesome! ha..as i expected it, a perfect paper..But not only that, i have a lecture buddy whom i helped out with his work and understanding for the lecture, after the paper he was sick worried about it and he had several mistakes in it, but turned out that he had scored 97 % for the paper too! hah..so that places the 2 of us in the top 10 students in the lecture group of 100+, definitely in the A+ grade..hah..and we were scared silly about the grading cos everyone around were getting full marks for their homework..The statistics for the lecture was as follows: highest-100(5 other ppl got that), lowest - 11(1 sad dude) and the median sits at 76%. ha..so we did pretty good! coolness!

AND i was so worried about another project i did on my engine 101 class(computing) cos i got it back and it was a lousy 25/50 which was shocking cos i am very very certain that my code worked..so i submitted it for regrading, tried several ways to have my GSI look at it and finally, just moments ago, it was corrected and now i got 49/50 for it instead!! Woo HOO! double whammy for a great day! ha..so my computing class is back on track for an A!

Ha.. I know..all these may seem insignificant to you guys out there who are not studying, but when i spent like tens of hours preparing myself for my midterms, and almost 18 hours on my previous project, you'd better think that it is significant to me and my world. And God knows that, and He gives the victory to me! Praise be to God, for He knows of our innermost needs and desires!

And i thank God that He made events fall in such a sequence that i 'woke' up from my complacency regarding my school work in time for me to work hard and get the result i needed so badly..ha..and i am glad that i recognized that timing too..ha..yepp..short update..

-Endz

Significance

Dear all,

Okay..one of the issues that came up in my mind is the issue of significance of events, which i believe is the cause of the whole fiasco that was the c box topic..ha..but once again, i want to stress that i am not miffed, angry, or disturbed by the whole issue..i just feel that it should be directed to my mailbox so i can address it more properly than the c box cos it cuts off into really small paragraphs..ha..So Yunling, if you are still reading this, send me a mail, and we can have an enlightening convo on email about the issues. I would love to learn from you as much as you will be willing to share, and hopefully you can get a view of what i see as well..that sounds good? ha..and i promise if the discussion is fruitful i WILL publish a post here and maybe change my profile if need be so that no one would be mistaken about what i blog in here..

For starters, i would like to inform everyone out there, that all things come from God. He is the creator of everything and nothing is exclusive of that.. SO even if you had the worst day of your life, you can't go ard saying that Satan was responsible for that..cos that is essentially saying that Satan managed to do someth against God's will and supervision [which is WRONG!]

Take Job for an example. God specifically gave Satan the 'go ahead' to do all the terrible stuff to Job. but the key issue is that Satan had to get permission from God to do that! he is powerless by himself! that spells a major victory on our side manz..and in Luke 22:31-32, Jesus said to Peter

"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat. But I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail. So when you have repented and turned to me again, strengthen your brothers"

Here, Jesus Himself warned Peter that Satan had been granted the permission to test Peter and the rest of the disciples! So if you guys think that Peter's denial of Jesus 3 times is just because he was a weak-willed believer, you better think again, cos i think a large majority of us would do worse than denying Him if Satan had the free hand with us. On top of that, the Gospel downplayed the denial of the other disciples and believers because Peter was taken to be a shining example of them all; if Peter had denied Jesus, so had the others. But the point i want to make is that Satan had to have permission to do his evil job..

So all things come from God, even the really tough days..so what do we do about it?

In Luke, after Jesus warned Peter and the disciples about the upcoming testing of their faith in Him, Jesus went back and prayed for them; but he did not pray for their strength and endurance against Satan, Jesus prayed that his faith should not fail, which is the key to surviving and doing well in spite of adversity.

All in all, we will still need to understand why God allows these things to happen. Obviously He does not do it out of perverse pleasure of seeing us struggle, so if you think back on who God really is, and you read back the Old testaments for patterns, you will realize that God has a tendency to test those who profess faith in Him! It is all a test! so how you do in it, really depends on how you rely on God, and even if you fail, you will have a chance to redeem! [read the end of Luke, where the 3 denial of Peter was returned with 3 proclaimations of love] and the best part is, whether you pass or fail, you will still have someth to learn from it, for our God is a God of learning and progression!

That being said, the ways God tests us differs from person to person; a test may seem impossible to some1, but may be ridiculously simple to another. So it's all a case of SIGNIFICANCE to that person. So many of the trials that we all go through, have a personal significance to that person such that if he would find it difficult to tell another person and expect that person to relate to him.

Which is exactly the case about my blog..so here is the major DISCLAIMER NOTE! ha..all/most of the things that i blog about here has personal significance! In no way i have declared that my personal life and Godly behavior should be separate; they are 1 and the same, but the testimonies and the 'downs' i share here has personal significance because that is the primary purpose of it. I do admit that i should once in a while consider the audience i am addressing here too, but unless they shout in my c-box, i have no idea who is reading my blog except my friends or people who understand me.

And the point is, when i glorify God with my own testimony, or i write a blog that shows my distress and disturbance or disappointment with God[or what He has caused to happen in my life], it has personal significance and if you dun understand that, you should keep it as that..LIFE GOES ON! and after that event, life is good once more as i slide back into God's grace. yea..so there..

-Endz-

A quick update

Dear all,

And now i am about to update and share some of the testimony i have..my MIDTERMS! hah..a more complete update of it..my engine 101(computing) midterm was perfect, my math 216(Differential equations) was 145/150, my religion 280 class(Jesus and the Gospel) was 43/50 (which is a B and i'm not all that glad for that)

All in all, it wasn't a bad midterm, not fantastic either, but i'm really glad that God took me through it and made me realise someth about myself through it..Like learning what my mugging stamina was, wad's the longest i can mug, and the effect of that..ha..like the longest i did was 11 hours straight, but the next day i could only do 6, and after that i pretty much zoned out for the week and fell sick..

I DO admit that at times i felt like i was running on my own strength and it really felt bad and tiring and everyth..ha..so i really should try to squeeze in time with God even with the studying i'm doing..yea..i'm really guilty for not spending time with Him..

All's done and gone, i have another mini-midterm next week for computing, and hopefully i can squeeze it for another perfect paper..cos else i'll have trouble getting my A for it cos of a couple a mistakes i've made in some projects already..but so far, i've been doing pretty well, enough to be recognised by my friends and being a contribution to the group i'm working with on Projects..really glad for God empowering me with the skills for me to shine in my way.

Ha..and i remember tagging that i spent time in the computer lab on one particular project on wednesday night through to thursday morning, from 11PM to 530AM the next day(6.5hrs) and subsequently on thursday i spent another 2 hrs after school, and office hours from 7 - 9 (4 hrs) and on friday i spent time at the com lab with them again from 10PM thru to 2AM (4 hrs). That's a total of 14.5 hours spent on that programme..which is less than what some of the others put in..

AND i'm proud to say that the final part of the project was MY BRAIN CHILD! haha..i admit that the first part of the project i was totally lost and relied on their input and basically they did everyth, but in the final stretch of the programming, i came up with the algorithm(thinking/conceptualization) and worked with Jinfa to comeup with the actual coding and debugging for the program to work..hah..it was (mainly) MY BRAIN CHILD! hah.just when i was feeling so useless and 'copying' their work for the first part of it..hah..thank God for that..

And that is the main reason why i haven't been blogging..cos this project gave me much stress..ha..gave me a sleep debt of 6 hours yesterday which i only repaid halfway..ha..and tomorrow with church in the morning so i cannot really sleep in..haiz..but i'll squeeze in time for my prayers soon(hopefully) and try to rely on His strength instead..and hopefully that will work out for me and i'll tell you about it! ha..Thanks for reading so far guys..ha..it's kinda a personal acchievement and really a minor one if you look at it, but it is significant to me and i thank God for that.

-Endz-

RE: Darnest day

Dear all,

Oh wells..since some1 commented on my last entry, i tot i should prolly address that issue..anyway, that WAS my way of saying that i had a really bad day, and i'd like to record that day down, so that i can in turn, remember to be really grateful for the really nice days that i encounter. In a sense, that would be glorifying Him for what He gives me..

But on the other note, would it be right then to ignore the feelings that i felt on that day and not enter it? Would it be right then, to not blog about that day, since it WAS also a day that God gave me? It may be a tee bit whiney [actually a whole lot..hah..so i was feeling whiney that day..so sue me..]

and i still feel thankful for that day..cos the birthday girl DID have a great time and she felt loved by all her friends around her. and although the flowers i got her eventually rotted while waiting for her at the front desk, i'd like to think that she was surprised by it and the parcel and everyth and the card that i got everyone to write for her..i mean, it's not fantastic, but at least it was SOMETHING and she was thankful for it.

AND the argument i had with my friend was settled the next day. so right now everything is fine and dandy. and to make a short note of it, it was a minor victory against what could have made me feel much worse.

And here i really must make a disclaimer. Here i am blogging about my life and how God has acted and blessed me in my life, and i will blog about the days that God allowed to be tough and difficult on me emotionally and personally, and i'm really glad that i have this blog to express that. That being said, this blog has PERSONAL significance. and i do apologise if sometimes i do not express that well enough for you readers out there, but I know how i felt, and God knows how I felt back then, and i guess that's really enough for me..

But i'm glad for the reminder tho..keep me on my toes and remind me what i'm supposed to blog about..hah..so much i should be updating on my blog which i have not done..

Oh ya..and this blog also blogs my life..ha..i only have this 1 blog, and although glorifying God is one of my themes, this blog also have my own personal life as a theme, so maybe that explains why some of it does not seem to do it's purpose..ha..yepp..hope you guys understand and please allow me to indulge myself sometimes..ha..as long as i am not shaming God i guess..ha..God glory never depended on me alone anyway..ha..yepps..so there..

Darndest day ever

Man, today is the pits..

Had a bad argument/discourse/argument/differing view with one of my good friend, suddenly felt like i was being forced to placate her, treat her with kiddy gloves when she's already all grown up and an adult with a mind of her own

Then i tried to organise someth for a friends birthday, only to find that something else happened that dampened everyone's mood for it..still went ahead with it, downplayed it a bit, and in the end got overplayed by someone else..i tink everyone like forgot that i was the one who put together the initial party/surprise..

Ended up soaking my camera in coca cola cos i put the leaking bottle of coke and my camera in the same plastic bag..and now my camera is screwed up and i cannot post the only photo that made my day today..the one of a shocked Jean opening her room door..manz..

But i guess i can live with that..the argument with my friend is prolly my fault anyway cos she MAY be right too..maybe i'm just picking on some of her words [but i still tink i'm right..so if you're reading this, you've got a lot of convincing to do if i'm wrong..]

And the party? shucks..i never thought to 'claim credit' for it anyway..what did i do? make a couple of phone calls, spend a sunday with a dreadful headache shopping for some stuff, spend another dreadful monday shopping for the gifts itself? heck, i was even watching anime all the way so it's not like i out my heart and soul into it..ha..so i got wad i deserve anyway..non-existant recognition for almost negligible effort..woopie for me! ha..

but the camera..ohwells..i'm not taking THAT much photos anyway..and since i've been complaining about the lousy camera that i paid 500+ sing dollars for..i guess i got my just deserts..now i have to spend more to get another one..haiz..not even sure where that money is gonna come from...so in the future i'll try to get into other people's photo and get them to post on web and i link it to my blog lo..ha..more troublesome, but they always take better photo than me anyway..

ANYWAY, bummer day..and school starts tomorrow..haiz..wad a fall break..

-Endz-

Final part of birthday

Dear all,

First and foremost, i'd like to thank Momma for having me 21 years ago, and the 9 months she went through, and for picking my birthday on a popular examination day..[kidding la..haha] and for God/Jesus to have 'picked me up' before anyth seriously went wrong in my life and showed me the light and the way to Him, and for being so real in my life since last year i was saved on the same day.

This year will be marked as one of the very great birthdays i've ever had..ha..truly..in the past, i'm so used to ppl forgetting my birthdays, or only my dear reliable penpal Jun would remember and remind me..and after that, it'll be Jun and her best friend my lil sis Huiling to come surprise me..and of cos Christine who would make my birthday special in those times..but understand that i knew these great people in my life pretty late in my life, [only Jun, who is my bestest, oldest friend..haha] yea, so most of my life i'm used to only a old friend Jinlin[who's all about disappeared from my life? ha] who would exchange b-day cards with me cos i still remembered hers..ha..that is the story of my birthdays..on top of that, my family did not particularly celebrate too..only order take-aways from KFC which is rather rare..ha..used to be special, but when we grew up these little priviledges became more common and started to be commonplace..so birthday was usually not very popular with me..

Well, this year, i'm really surprised..cos it seems that i've really met so many people in this last year, or that suddenly all of them realise they missed me now that i'm not in Singapore [haha..so ego of me..] yea..this year is like the most number of wellwishes i've ever received, and gifts as well, as well as cards and a freakin expensive call [jun, i feel your pain..thanx manz..] yea..

Really feel blessed to have so many people in my life who love me dearly as a good friend..shall not lose that manner of love..ha..but truly, it's been a great year, and it's my priviledge to get to know all of you, and it's my priviledge that you guys are actually reading this blog of mine and getting to know me better..[seems to be getting more hits nowadays..haha..yay!]

Yepp.anyway, today should be my last package of birthday wishes already..It's from my dear little sis, Huiling, who gave me a hand-knitted scarf and a letter..ha..really very very touched even tho i knew what it was gonna be already..ha..but still cannot believe that you love me enuff to spend so much time and effort doing someth like this..and i only gave you a lousy sweater..haiz..reflection time for korr..ha..

Yea..and i'm really lookin forward to the end of my winter term here..so i can fastly go over to Poland and drop in on you! Dear lil sis..haha..then will do my best to make you so sick of me then you wun miss me so much next year..hah..really glad that i'll have a chance to spend time with you alone there..haha..so romantic..hah..too bad you only my lil sis horr..kidding la..

yeapp..and here is the photo i promised you when i get photo trigger happy..ha..you take care horr..dun fall sick!













Thank you all for this great year..hope that i will spend another great year with you guys!

More Pics!

Dear all,

Well, to start off, it's friday, and midterms are finally over, so as i was walking back from my test room, i was holding my camera and apparently took a pic of a nice red tree [tree where leaves turned red la.ha.] yea..here it is













Apparently i was very bored and i took a pic of myself and the backdrop was like somewhere in the central campus where most of the art/science/languages courses had their classes













Haha..here i am with a wierd face cos i tink ppl were staring at me..a bit paiseh cos not used to being tourist here..ahh..but MIDTERMS ARE OVER! RAAWWRRS!

Anyway, further down this day, like most of the stuff i went through qt blur cos today like most ppl planning for their chicago trip and i'm not part of it..but i managed to catch one more pic that made today worthwhile..hah..













Ohwells..not that i'm desperate or wad..but ain't it just great to be able to take pictures with beauties? hah...not gonna tread into the trap of discussing what is my perception of beauty here..hah..yeap..dangerous topic..anyway, i'll be adding to my bounty/bootys so hah..gonna have more fun with my cam..ha..

And, btw before i forget, this is Qianyi..yepp..really smart girl who's got the A*star scholarship and sold her life for a longer period than i..hah..no la..yea, she really nice, easy to talk to..hah..or else i wun take photo with her wad..hah..yeaps..one of the nice girls in the Singapore freshis bunch..ha..and we share loads of childhood memories watching all the good old tv dramas when we were kids [albeit different houses and tv sets..i din know her when i was growing up..hah..]

Oh..and later i went around to a certain store known as China Mercs [china Merchants..duhh..] yea..and got some foodstuf that i din tink i would have gotten..i got a 3-in-1 coffee and some ginger tea and breakfast cereal mix [not corn flakes kind but the 3 -in-1 kind and some cup noodles..and here it is..













And the worse part is that it costs $$$ to get these! like each package you see here is 5USD [qt reasonable here..but compare that with singapore..haiz] and wad's more it's all from SINGAPORE! [dun say the cup noodle la..hah.from korea] yea..hah..so i've got some stuff from Singapore that my family and frens did not ship over..hah..but notbad..at least i wun wake up gg for some classes hungry cos the cafeteria have not opened yet...hah..well, that's that for picture shows today..kinda doing someth in the dark now so i'll update you guys after it's done..hah..don't i always? ya guyz..take care!

AND since i'm giving a camera show anyway..

Okay guys..here's 2 more photo i tot would be kinda interesting to show..ha..din realise i did someth like this too..ha..















Spot the difference? [no.i'm not refering to the cars..not the clouds either..]the trees! hah..this is the view from my dorm window..and sadly enuff, the trees here are qt resilient so haven't shed or all turn colours la..but the maple trees already did, and it's really cool to be standing under them with a strong breeze..apart from the obvious coldness factor [cool..geddit?] when the leaves float through the air, pushed by the gentle breeze ..really like those japanese comics where it's so romantic to stand under the trees and leaves blow around..

And HERE IS SNOW! haha..sorry guys..i tried to capture it with the fastest shutter speed le..but it all just turns out hazy..yep..but THAT IS SNOW!! haha..just captured it, this is real time as when i post this..ha..yea manz..and it really comes down floating this time! ha..reminds me of bubbles, and then again, of the snow globe where you shake and the bits of whitish stuff floats down in the liquid..but the bulk of it comes pretty quickly and harshly..then when it's dying off then it'll float down nicely..yea..again, reminds me of the japanese comics where the characters look into the sky and breathes out the words 'it's snowing...' and stop to marvel at the beauty of it..and here i am, still alone [my roommate dun count..he's a guy..] and yea..enjoying myself here watching the snow come down..yepps...today's pretty cold, from -2 to 3 degrees..no surprise it snowed actually..ha..but my water bottle did not freeze up..hmmmmz..haha..nevermind..yea manz..so this is my 2nd episode of picture show [with sporadic word diahorrea too, if you dun mind me.]pls take time to read thru the multiple entries i made cos i took the time to write them, but then again, if you don't i'll still love you guys for trying anyway..ha..yea..take care guyz..ha..visit me while i'm here..i'll put you up in my room..ha..no air ticket endorsed..

-Endz- Ahh..beauty of snow..

posting some pics..these are memories from MAF and beyond

Dear all..

Just in case my viewership will fall cos i've been like words diahorrea so far, i'll entertain you guys with some pics



Oh wells, believe it or not, that is the bell tower in North Campus..not awfully meaningful to me, but it's there..ha..and i have my camera...ha..okay..i suppose it's NOT very entertaining..i try..









And here we have the 3 girls![left to right: Xiaoyan, Jean and Lora] ha..and i'm not inside..[cos i'm taking the photo..duh..] but still, i've been part of the gang, and still haven't taken a photo with them..wierd right? ha..maybe i should try that one day..but for now, here them working! [and me disturbing] yea..Poor Jean and Lora stood in the cold at the table giving out the door gifts and prizes for the participants for the MAF event..and had to wait there until all the teams finished their 'amazing MAF race'..ha..yea..was fun..but they were all complaining of cold hands afterwards..



And here i am priviledged to have one of the beauties on campus [freshmen too!..ahem..] yea..ha..one of the rare photos i actually take WITH any girl..ha..yea man..lucky for this..or else i woulda have nothing to show for my life here..ha..you ppl woulda thought i became a monk or someth awful like that..ha..Oh..i forgot..this is Annie..kinda knew her much later than the rest, cos she had her parents with her and din hang out with us at that time [tsk tsk] but when she joined us she hadn't had a chance to walk around campus..so i walked her around campus..haha..poor annie had a stinko me [smelly from playing some sports i cannot remember what]..ha..walked her around central, pointed out main attractions [or non-attractions], brought her to the flag shop borders stall where she was amazingly engrossed in the japanese comics there [and borders allow you to read there!] and brought her to a cheap 2nd hand book store too..and got her started reading romance novels [got her 'message in a bottle' by Nicholas Sparks] and left her at coffee bean/or amos [really can't remember] to enjoy her book while i headed back to change and wash-up for the dinner later [not with her alone mind you..ha..with loads of ppl] yea..ha..so that was my 'date' in Michigan..hah..so sad..not even real one..haha..*grinz*

Yepp..so i included the element of pictures with short stories of what happened then [kinda backdated..paisei] yea..so enjoy, hope to do so some time again..hopefully i can capture some pictures of nice snow falls? ha..wait and see..

-Endz- thank God for the miracle of image capturing technology! hah..

SNOW!!!!

Dear all,

First of all, i will have to apologise for having need to tantalize all of you with my description of what i saw this day with no photo proofs about it..haha..yea manz..but how can i keep the urge to describe it on my blog? ha..cannot! so here i go..

Anyway, it was like at the end of the stupid math lab where i almost finished my assignment but time had to run out on me..haiz..anyway, was walking outta the building then when i glanced out of the window i saw it.

Not exactly the picture of snow i've always pictured, like of those snowflakes falling slowly down..it was like a swirling whirlwind of dust which is actually ice..it's exactly like living under a large ice kachang machine that is very very far away, but a powerful fan blowing beneath it unto you..ha..

Not exactly the most romantic description for it, cos i had one of the lest romantic company with me..hah..like Jingfa lo..imagine 2 guys walking in the snow..haha..that's us man..and here he was saying it's fun for the first few seconds, then it started to get into his ears and irritated him..haha..for me cos i wasn't wearing my glasses it was getting into my eye and blowing into my face..hah..not exactly what i tot i would feel when i first saw snow in my life too..

Yea..but that was the initial downpour of snow..like a small snowstorm..it cleared up pretty fast..but after my religion lecture [i dozed off again] it was clear, for a while, then it snowed very very lightly..like you only notices bits of snowflakes floating down in your face, or else you wouldn't notice it at all! ha..then i was like a child staining my eyes out to look for them! hah..

Right now it still feels alright..but sometimes would feel a bit lonely when i look at the snow..ha..like it's a moment that i wanna share with some1 special..but here i am alone..and there's no one that special i can share it with as of now anyway..haiz..*gloomz* but when you see flakes of snow floating down [minus the wind effect of cos..otherwise you get a blizzard and irritation of having it blown into your face] you really feel a kinda lovey dovey feeling that you can only express when you are in the right company..ha..

Yea manz..first sighting of snow..but like Jingfa mentioned, there'll be no lack of that in Michigan..so dun worry, i will definitely get photos of snow to you guys..but meanwhile, i try to get photos of autumn/fall to you all..that is if i actually get my camera out, and actually use it, and actually get good photos..hah..chances are slim..but pray hard and you just MAY get it! haha.. yea..now back to study..haiz..take care guyz!

-Endz- like a child seeing the wonders of the world

Found reasons to Love again

Dear all,

Corny as it may sound, on the 1st day of my second year in Christ, I may have just re-discovered my reason to love again.

And i mean it in two-fashions: both to love another individual, and to love Jesus again.

And now i will tell the tale of how i felt His love today, and i'll leave the reason i have found to love to another day..i'm just so excited and i simply have to unload this from within myself before i forget it..and i dare not dilute it with another account..So here goes.

Just this morning, i was thinking out to myself some stuff, like wondering out of nowhere, who exactly wrote the gospels, and as i read my required readings for my religion class, i came over that answer..Wow..it was the first indication that God was guiding my readings to my answers..but that was a trivial matter..what mattered more was that we discussed about Peter's denial of Jesus 3 times and how he would have felt when Jesus told him that he[Peter] would deny him 3 times..and later how we read that Jesus later gave him a chance to 'redeem' himself by acknowledging that he loves Jesus 3 times at the closure of the gospel.

But generally, most people know Peter to be a unreliable person, who denied Jesus, who went back to his previous living of a fisherman once Jesus was gone from His life. He was the epitome of the saying 'without a vision, man will perish' as mentioned in the famous Proverbs.

How many of you know that the gospel of Mark, the first gospel ever written, was written by Peter's disciple? John Mark was Peter's disciple who followed him around as Peter went about Jesus's work in Rome. In fact, Peter did Jesus's work knowing fully the prophecy that Jesus left him with, that 'people will take him to where he does not want to be', that he would suffer persecution and eventually a difficult death if he should take up Jesus's cross and do his will on earth.

How many of you knew about Peter when he was fleeing the burning Rome, when he asked Jesus 'Wherest is thou gone, Lord?' and Jesus replied to him, 'if you should flee my people, i will return to Rome and die on the cross a second time'

And Peter, the same Peter who denied Jesus 3 times, who went back to his fishermanship after Jesus's crucifixion, who was fore-warned of a difficult death of being brought to where he does not want to go, returned to Rome to his people [the christians] and was eventualy crucified upside down, in place of Jesus; His love for Jesus demanded that of him that he cannot let Jesus go on the cross again if He could prevent it. [Remember in the gopels that Peter told Jesus that if it was in his power, it would not come to pass; it was out of love for Jesus that prompted Peter to say that! not Satan!] and Peter went to the cross willingly for the love of Jesus.

And today at lecture we were shown 3 silent films on early portrayal of Jesus in 'popular' silent films. Of especial note is the 'king of kings', in which the film showed scenes of which people crowded Jesus seeking healing. Of which there was a blind young girl who was seeking and asking everyone whom she touched 'Please sir, please take me to Him..I cannot find Him!' and the film went on to show how she approached everyone and how everyone could not help her. Then she chanced on a boy who was healed of his lame leg, and he proclaimed, 'take my hand, i will guide you to Him..'

How many of us have already received healing from Him in one way or another? but how many of us then decides to keep that miracle to ourselves, thinking that it is enough if we have our own righteousness and keep His faith in us, that it is enough for God that we continue to believe in Him even if we do not tell others about Him?

While it is true that God loves us and accepts us even if we do keep silent, but how much more is our lives worth if we use it to glorify his name, and guide others to him as this boy did to the blind girl? Taken into context, there are many people seeking a higher power in life, and i was one of them, and all it took for me is some1 who knew me and was willing to share what she knew about Jesus. That was all it took..is it that difficult for you, who have received His love and grace so freely to do?

So dear friends, if you have the chance and opportunity to do so, do not fear to proclaim His greatness and be a witness to His glory. I'm not asking of you to create opportunities to do so, just that you look out and see how the Holy Spirit is working in people and how the opportunities manifest itself before you; when you see that God has placed you in such a position to reach out, don't HOLD BACK!

And throughout the film i was busy holding back my tears man..i tell you, i never cried like that in any romance flicks. Testament to what i hold dear within me right now..I've found in this day, the reason i have to love Jesus again after 1 year of know Him. How about you?

-End

Depressing day..but not without it's share of ups

Dear all,

I'm afraid this is gonna another word diahorrea entry..a bit gloomy, but i realise when i took stock, that there are more things to be cheerful about today rather than what i have to be depressed about..ha..yepp..but it's gonna be a bit gloomy now..paisei..ha..

Yepp first off, i must say today is my 21st birthday! hah..yeah manz..finally can drink alcohol legally again [in USA] but since i'm not an alcoholic so that doesn't impact me too much..and as i always say, i place so very little importance on my own birthday so i dun really care either way, but sometimes when i see other people have their birthday celebrated well, i kinda wonder what mine would be like..silly comparison ya..ha..

Anyway, to start off, i was reminded of my own birthday by princess Xiao Yan, who called me at 1230 AM in the middle of the night..when i was trying to sleep early from a hard day of mugging on sunday..yea..and i was sick with cough and flu and desperately needed rest..slept for 1 hour+ then was pleasantly awoken by Xiaoyan's call, wishing me a happy 21st birthday..then subsequently i got a missed call from Jean and 2 messages from Lynn and Jean..got a pretty nice wish and prayer from Lynn but Jean's was like 'haha..happy birthday'..hmmm..kinda half hearted now that i think about it, but a birthday wish is a birthday wish, and i ain't complaining about it..ha..wondered what she woulda told me if i did pick up the phone..ha..*wonders*

Anyway, when the day started, i tot i was on a good start, but then the runny nose and cough took over and i started being gloomy and tired throughout the day..was doing last minute mugging for the math through my lectures, and cun concentrate when the lecturer was going through review for the midterm through the math and Mech Engin lectures. Simply phase out for the whole day..tot i could conserve energy through till the test itself then i will pick up and heighten my senses..not true manz..

When it was time for the paper, i rushed down from north campus to central, with only half hour to spare, and no time to grab dinner..was hungry, gastric working a bit, but mainly tired from my flu and cough..so was retching and coughing and runny nosing..haiz..

The paper went on well enough, finished the first round in half an hour, but when i went over again, i realise there was like stupid mistakes in everyone of the questions..took a while to 'debug' each question..until i am fairly confident in all my answers except one stupid question where i keep getting an undefined answer [1/0] which doesn't make sense..i tried to make sense of it as far as i could, then i turned it in just like 15mins before time cos i was getting tired and sick of staring at the same question which i re-did 4-5 times.

Then when i got out and compared answer with everyone else, i realised that i copied the question wrongly..and i didn't compare my written question to the question itself..there goes the whole question..sigh..very pissed with myself..that's like 1/12 question that is totally wrong..and everyone else [singaporean bunch] seems to be doing better than me..and since this class is a curved graph class, i feel very down..like dragging even to now..

But now that i think about it again, i realise that i'm really thanking God that these bunch of 'careful' singaporeans are not in my lecture group, so i'm not really comparing to them, and hopefully the rest of my class did not fare that well, and the paper IS tough, so i guess 1 / 12 isn't all that bad..and 1/12 is like 8 pts of 100, and i dun think that question is weighed that much either so hopefully it ain't gonna impact too much..yeah manz..trying damn hard to look on the bright side now..

Anyway, apart from tt, i got another message from Christine wishing me birthday again, then i read several emails from my dear E240 members wishing me a good day, and see one from Daph..ha..realise that is kinda rare cos she don't have easy access to internet? haha..was qt heartwarming to know that so many ppl actually remembered..

The highest pt of this day was when Junlin actually called me from Denmark! ha..especially when i almost tot i lost touch with this old friend again..ha..cos i dun have her addy, and she doesn't have mine. i dun have her MSN, and she din reply my email [long time before] and i remember our letter writing ended pretty badly cos i had the impression that she din want to continue writing to me so i din reply..hah..Jun, if you are reading, i know now that what i tot is wrong..forgive me okay? i will continue to write to you and everything now..ha..thanks so much for calling me today ya? it is really my highlight of the day, and frankly, without that, i tink i cannot pull myself out of this gloom..really feel damn depressed if not for your call! You are truly a great friend, you dun even know how much that meant to me..ha

AND when i came back, i saw a nice note on my table from my small group leader here which went
" HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY! Also, read Acts 17:26-28. This is you! Praise God for saving you 1 year ago today! Jesus Rocks! - Kevin"
I mean, my small group leader came straight to my room and placed that note and gift [a sneakers bar] on my table! wow..ha..manz, that is a hallmark of a great man, who is willing to accept a new friends like me, and do stuffs like that for me which is extremely out of his way..well, this is the guy/mentor i look up to right now, and i guess it's qt uplifting to receive this grace from him..

And from the message that kevin left on my desk, this is officially the day i turn 1 year old in CHRIST! ha..dunno how many of you actually know that or remember that..but it is true, i am a one year old baby now, and i'm proud of where i am now..really want to take the opportunity to thank God for bringing me from where i was, to where i am now.. really have been blessed in many ways, and even now i am living out a dream that God gave me so long ago even before i knew Him. Even for the small favours of increasing my influence on people around me, and having so many people aware of my existence and my birthday..ha..really so much much more than before i knew Him..ha..thank you God for remembering my birthday too..and for your saving grace that touched me last year..Pray that you will never forsake me, and that i will never feel forsaken, but forever be comforted by your consistent, incomprehensible, unconditional love that is agape..Blessed be your name!

And so i conclude my evaluation of this day, with a quote from what Happiness IS by Dr A.R Bernard "Happiness is a CHOICE" so right now, i have all the reasons before me, and i CHOOSE to be happy! ha..yeah man, it's my 21st birthday so there..ha..so what if i din get a perfect paper for math? so what if it's a stupid mistake i can knock my head against the wall for? so what if i'm sick enough that i probably will miss the wall when i try to do that? haha..yeah man..today is my day, even if it's almost ending..yeah..

-Endz-

Thank God once again!

Dear all,

Wellps, i guess that title is gonna be a common title for most of my entries so i wun even go to say how unoriginal that its..ha..but is true..so much to give thanks for, so little time to do so..Like the saying goes: God gave you this day - 24 hours, 1440 minutes, 86400 seconds. Have you taken a second to thank Him for it?

Yepp..so i'm thanking God for giving me so many blog entries, and i'm gonna spend most of it thanking Him for it..haha..so sue me..i din use a gun and force you to hit my counter did i? ha..you get what you look for..and here is my entry..

First of all, i really wanna thank God for giving a relatively simple Eng101 midterm..ha..esp when i made so many stupid mistake i want to kill myself for [figuratively speaking of cos]in my previous projects. And a simple midterm will not hurt anyone cos this is not a curved scale class! ha..so if everyone get good pts then everyone gets good grades! not like the sucky A-level curved system where people fight tooth and nail for every single pts..ha..yepp..so till now, i've detected no errors in my paper, so i assume that it'll be a perfect paper..ha..unless i filled in the name wrongly..haha..yepp..so 1 down, 3 more to go..

And on top of that, just when i was getting complacent with where i was, God showed me how inadequate i was..with enough lead time before midterms so i can rectify the problem! ha..like for a while i was telling you guys that i was handling well, but i forgot that time moves on and by the time i realised it, i was lagging in a couple of stuff..ha..so bottom line is to never rest on your laurels..always some reading to do, so more work to handle, and blah blah yadayada..yepp..so right now i really should be studying, making notes and doing more practice on my mech-engine and math problems..ha..then i can really relax for my fall break..

Which is another thing that is bothering me..For a while i was qt settled on the idea of going Chicago for the fall break, but when we were trying to settle the adminstrative issues like settling transport and housing, i realised that we were spending much much for so little little..ha..maybe it's just me, but i find that if i spend so much i'd rather be spending much money when i'm there, not just to get there..so there..besides, i've really overstretched myself when i bought a couple of stuffs, so i really should cut down on expenses..Besides, i'll get to have ShaoNing teach me driving so hopefully i can get my license before winter comes, then top that off with a start with my car fund savings! ha..and besides, there's always winter break where we'd be forced to move out of our hostel so it'll be better to plan a trip there instead..[of cos, winter colder, less interesting to travel..haiz..but we'll see..maybe next year..1st year spend too much le..]

Yepp..and top that off with a NEW FRIEND I'VE MADE THROUGH THIS BLOG! haha..kinda a sabo which i dun understand, but somehow this fren kena and then kena MSNing me for 2 hours after..ha..total we clocked 4 hours MSNing le, and i really only know her for 3 days and we're already penpals..ha..not started yet..but i hope she started writing le? haha..yepps..so i'd like to give thanks for this friend that i've made in Singapore, even though i'm no longer in Singapore! haha.. so farny..and to you guys who are still lost as to who this is, she's JOANNA[MeiSi..haha..i'm so gonna call you that lo..] ha..E240..remember when Jaz always make mistake calling Joanne 'Joanna'? haha..i've found a Joanna le..haha..so funny..

Yepp..so far 'uncle' me have been 'uncle' to many many ppl le..ha..banking on my jokes rather than my 'uncle'y wisdom..haha..yepp..so here is Uncle saying Thanks to God, and signing off here on a rather nice day! Take care Yawl!

-Endz- old already..haiz..21 soon..

Sliding (Part II)

Dear all..here is part II..hope you guys aren't bored already, and pls read in order..i will try to frame it to be in sequence..dun blame me if it doesn't come out well..ha..

Sliding Part II

John 6:22-43
In this passage, we see Jesus who have just walked on water, and have feed thousands with the miracle. In this time, there are multitudes of people who came to Jesus seeking Him, but Jesus rebuked them, stating that they seeked Him not because He was the messiah, but that He fed them once, and they were looking to him for food.

Can you imagine, if you traveled back in time to see Jesus, what would you ask Him for? Healing? Success? to forgive your sins? but over here the people asked Jesus for bread. They were convinced that they knew what they needed, which they thought was bread to eat.

1st seed to spiritual slide - unmet expectations/prayers
And sometimes in our lives when we pray to Jesus, we come up with selfish requests that if you confess to someone else, they would think it's rather trivial..Students would pray really hard for success in examinations and tests, adults pray for bonuses to come their way, some even pray for a win for the team they support in sports. But all in all, when God doesn't come through with it, we become disillusioned and bitter and upset. How many of us have never been through that? and having been through that, how many more of us have ever made a subsequent request and truly believed that God will come through with it? When you have been let down before, chances are you will begin to doubt, and the next time you pray you will find it obstructing your faith.

2nd seed to Spiritual Slide - unaccepted teachings
Know this: Jesus could have easily satisfied the multitudes by performing another miracle and give them bread to eat. Instead, Jesus boldly wanted to teach them about Himself and His messianic nature, for which the miracle was meant to convey. He taught them that He was the bread of life. But once the people realised that they weren't going to be fed, their response quickly jumped and they rejected their original faith. They thought that perhaps this man was not capable of giving them what they wanted, and then they started rejecting everything he was trying to teach.

Remember that in obediance and faith, there are no such thing as halfway marks. you cannot say that you believe 75% of something..it's either yes or no. You could pretend that you believe, but in the long run you will tire and it will all boil down to a yes or no answer.

In this case, when the people rejected Jesus teaching [because of the unmet expectation], the seed took root and they started to undermine his authority.

"Isn't this Jesus, the son of Joseph? We knoe his father and mother. How can he say 'i came down from heaven'"

You cannot continue to believe in Christ if there are a certain doctrine practiced that you do not believe in. For example, there's no point gg on if you do not believe in the power of prayer, or communion with God, or that you do not believe in the Holy Spirit. You simply cannot go on ignoring that.

3rd seed to Spiritual Slide - unresolved doubts and questions

John 6:52 "How can this man give us his flesh to eat?"

It was a LEGITIMATE question! If Jesus was in front of you today and say that He is the bread of life, and that anyone who eats this bread will live forever, you would be wondering the same thing. Don't think of the usual church communion sunday, but think of a breathing man in front of you.

And one thing about our christian walk is that it is filled with loads of questions, some of which is not easy to answer and understand. But the key is that unresolved questions and doubts will sow a seed through which Satan will gain a foothold. Do not believe for a moment that questions and doubts reflect spiritual immaturity and disbelief! It does not reflect shakeness in faith, but in fact it tells of the exact opposite! If you are questioning about certain belief, it proves that there is a hunger for knowledge, and a hunger to know God more intimately and have a better understanding of who He is! Only with faith can there be doubt; without faith there is no doubt, but there is also nothing..

Better to resolve your doubts, clear your disbelief so that when you come before God in prayer or worship, it will not hinder your entrance to the Holy of Holies.

John 6:66-69
Because of these unresolved doubts, these multitudes of men and women couldn't believe in Jesus and his Messianic message, but the 12 disciples believed Him, despite all the 3 'trials' .
When you become a unreluctant bearer of these seeds, pls, i pray that you will lift it straight to God, for only through His strength can you overcome this test. Ask Him to help you clear your doubts and disbelief, Ask Him to help you accept His teachings, and above all, tell Him of your bitterness and disillussionment/disappointment.
"To Whom will we go to? You have the words that give eternal life. We believe and we know you are the Holy One of God."

The disciples are right to stick to the fact that He was the Messiah and used that to justify the 'disbelief' they had. Understanding that He was the Messiah makes other teachings and doctrines easier to accept. Do it the otherway around and you will begin to doubt the core of your belief.

Remember that one of the core beliefs of being a Christian as apart from the Jew and the Muslim is that we believe that Jesus was the Messiah, and He is the embodiment/manifestation of God's mind into our world. What tells us apart from Gnostics is that we believe that Jesus went to the cross not merely to give His disciples a model of sacrifice and matyrdom, but to die for our sins and redeem once and for all, all our sins. Always fall back to the basic core beliefs that the Bible is God's word and that other sources can be read but with care, and always always remember the way you came into Christ. For that is your justification and your reason for being, and nothing you learn along the way should ever interfere with THAT initial communion you had with Christ when you were born again.

Here I want to pray for anyone who accepts this prayer, that you will always remember the manner in which you came into Christ, the many reasons you may have had, what He did for you, what God spoke to you. In times of doubt and disbelief, or when you have unmet expectation, always remember who God is to you, and try to understand God from His point of view. Never let any circumstance/event shade or colour your perception of God. And always fall back to the core of your belief. [And pls at least find out what that is before you call yourself a christian..It will help you in the future if you ever meet with confusion.] And above all, i pray that you will be able to remember to turn to God whenever these situations happen to you, and not let the situation turn you away from God. Stay strong, pray loads, and seek to have a fresh revelation from Him EVERYDAY! [if not frequently..ha..] yepp..

-Endz- [dear all..thanks for reading so far..hah..congratulations for reading all the way! thumbs up!]

Sliding (part I)

Dear all,

I am about to share with you a 2 part sermon from New-Life Church. Ha..in part to refresh my memory and cast into record the lesson learnt, and also in part to share with E240 what i'm learning over here, and reassure you guys that God is moving here and teaching me new things as well.

Sliding (Part I)

It is a difficult topic, often painful to talk about especially in churches where everyone is assumed to stay strong and lasting in Christ. But the first step to stemming the phenomenon i will describe later is to confess that there is a problem in the first place. The sermon serves to force us to take a reality check on the situation of people losing faith in God.

Statistically, 61% of the young adults in America used to be christians before. Only 20% of them are still christians since their youth, the rest of them used to be christians in their youth, but later their passion and fire died down and they slided back.

A popular example in the bible is the character Judas Iscariot the one who betrayed Jesus.

"Then Judas Iscariot, one of the 12 disciples went to the leading priests to arrange to betray Jesus to them. They were delighted when they heard why he had come, and they promised to give him money. So he began looking for an opportunity to betray Jesus" - Mark 14:10-11

The key issue is that Judas was one of the 12; in other words, he was a direct disciple of Jesus. Even one of the 12 could harbour such thoughts and in fact INITIATED the betrayal is simply shocking. Jesus was not turned in by the Pharisees to the Jewish community and Romans, but was betrayed by his disciple. And no one co-erced Judas to betray him; he initiated the betrayal. But to understand the betrayal, we must look at the events before the betrayal

"Meanwhile, Jesus was in Bethany at the home of Simon, a man who had previously had leprosy. While he was eating, a woman came in with a beautiful alabaster jar of expensive perfume made from essence of nard. She broke open the jar and poured the perfume over his head. Some of those at the table were indignant. 'why waste suc expensive perfume? it could have been sold for a year's wages and the money given to the poor!' But Jesus replied, 'leave her alone. Why cirticize her for doing such a good thing to me?' " Mark 14:3-6

And in John 12:4-5, the disciple who berated the women and made comparison to the wages was named as Judas Iscariot. The path to falling away begins with DISILLUSIONMENT in God's purpose. Judas was disillusioned to Jesus's purpose and he saw only the waste of resources that was made, and that Jesus saw the waste of resources as a good thing to do for His sake.

2 ways to disillusionment
-UNANSWERED PRAYER
"why does my suffering continue? why is my wound so incurable? Your help seems as uncertain as a seasonal brook, like a spring that has gone dry" - Jeremiah 15:18
- TRIALS IN LIFE
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because i have overcomed the world" John 16:33
"Your unfailing love is beter than life itself; how I praise you! I wil praise you as long as I live, lifting up my hands to you in prayer. You satisfy me more than the richest feast. I will praise you with songs of joy." Psalms 63:3-5, regarding a time when David was in the wilderness of Judah fleeing for his life.

Therefore we must understand that there are times when prayers will be unanswered, and trials will happen to our lives. but let us go back to Jesus's lesson regarding the anointing at Bethany

"You will always have the poor among you, and you can help them whenever you want to. But you will not always have me. She has done what she could and has anointed my body for burial ahead of time. I tell you the truth, where the good news is preached throughout the world, this woman's deed will be remembered and discussed." Mark 14:7-9

Jesus was teaching them to recognise that He was the Messiah, and was giving them a prophetic word of what is to come. But Judas, blinded by his disillusionment, missed the big picture of Jesus's teaching. He instead, focused on the waste of resources, hidden behind the moralistic mask of caring for the poor. But Judas's real motive is revealed in John 14:6

"Not that he cared for the poor - he was a thief, and since he was incharge of the disciples' money, he often stole some for himself"

Judas had a secret sin; both his disillusionment and sin led him to betray Jesus to satisfy that greed. He was feeling a lost from the money that could have gone his way, and instead used that to justify the betrayal for that trivial amount of money that the Pharisees gave him.

So what is that sin that you could be forced to trade your faith for? Many people fall away from Christ simply because they were harbouring that secret sin, and that events manifested in such a way that you become faced with a question of choosing between that sin and Jesus. Which will be your decision when the time comes? I pray for those believers amongst the readers today that you will confess your sins to God right now, and bring it to light and eradicate that sin. Find some1 you are accountable to and seek that person's help in overcoming the world. Fight that sin before situations change and you are forced to choose before you are ready to make that choice. Learn humilty, to admit that you are human and fallible and have sins to account for. Learn shame to know that it is wrong to persist in the sin, and most of all, learn His love, and understand that He is the one who forgives all sin with grace, and not by deed. You do not need to prove yourself to God; He knows well enough who you are and the condition of your heart. Come to Him with brokeness and He will restore you according to the covenant that He has given to us. Keep your sin from becoming a greater sin.

-continued by part II