Life is still good

Hey guys

I've been doing some thinking lately, you know..the topic i always hang on to, the meaning of life, the meaning of life AS a christian and what it means to me, how i want to live my life as compared to what it is right now..

But i have no idea what i am talking about.

Who am i to say what life is about, or even just what MY life is about? i can come up with a definition now and later in my life it will change. In fact, i came to michigan thinking one way about my life, and now i can tell you that it has completely changed. Have i become stronger? i have no idea, but i know i am now older and wiser for it. And while i appreciate the vigor and conviction i had before, i now know better to keep my two feets on the ground and to keep my head from flying off to wonderland.

I have this friend, who is graduating soon. She has no idea where her life is going, but she has a couple of options that may be open to her, depending on a couple of things [if it happens] but the whole point of it that struck me was that she was going to emancipate from her parents, and not even live in the same place. And neither did she want to; she loves her parents, but she also wants to be independent even if it meant that she lives a difficult life.

Well, that IS life. Not that it's good, or bad, but it IS her life and her decision as to how she lives it.

And so we talked a while, and came to the conclusion that eventually whatever plans you can come up with, when events change you'll have to change it. Rather, if you face life knowing the options you have, but do not commit to any direction just yet, you'll find that it becomes more flexible. As the saying goes, the roads get straighter as you go down it, and you'll definitely meet problems, but for sure, when you do you most probably will have the solution at hands too.

Just the kinda wierd world we live in when God decides when or how you get the solutions in your life.

And who knows? i may have to serve my bond after college, but after that? i may just go to africa and work there to better people's lives, or go somewhere else to pursue my doctorate, or become a tutor/engineer, or a politician [highly unlikely]. All i know, is that when i DO get there to make the decision, God will be too.

Stay Blessed,
Brian

Tear Jerkkers

I've never figured myself to be a weak dude. I can face blood, pain, even bad grades, these i can brush off easily. But there are some stuff that i may not come to terms with [kinda] without being a cry baby..Incidentally, these are the things that remind me that i am still human with a very emotional side as well as the 'dao' front everyone sees. So here's to me paying tributes to the emotional heartstrings that i must have pulled somewhat.

1. Feeling of lost
Not feeling of being lost, but the feeling of having lost something. I guess this is pretty vague: an example will do good here. Imagine you have a child you have had since he was born, and you've brought the kid up, taught it how you would live your life, your philosophy, thinking and idealogy. And when one day something irreparable happens and either the relationship you had cannot be the same, or that he is just lost to the world.
And imagine all the things you could have done together, that now can no longer be done. Think of all the things that you WANT to do with him now, but realise that he is no longer around.
*SadZ*

2. Desperation and impotency
Impotency NOT MEANING being unable to reproduce. I mean the actual meaning of the word, not the medical term. Being desperate for something to happen, but being powerless at the same time at bring forth that outcome.
It just seems that somehow no matter how much effort you put in, you can never achieve certain things in life. And i am not talking about materialistic goals. For example, making someone love you; sometimes you can do all in your power [or so you think] to sway that person to look at you but he/she just don't. OR some people have devoted their whole life to seeking God, and to come face to face with Him, but in events of difficulty sometimes it gets harder to see Him, and you do all that you can. You pray, you sing, you attend church, you talk to spiritual people, but you simply cannot find Him. Imagine running down all the roads in your life in circles looking for God like He was something that you lost, something that you know you cannot go on if you don't have Him.
Just to realise that he was in you all the while.

3. Music
It's no joke. Especially when the music conveys the above mentioned feelings. I have teared listening to Brian Littrell's songs before, i have teared listening to Hillsong and Delirious [All i need is you]. I have teared to songs like 'How did i fall in love with you'. Music plays a strong part in my life and i really hope one day i will be able to play a song that can bring tears to one's eyes, a song that can conjure such strong emotions; only a true musician can do that.

4. When the emotional problems are mine
Ditto

5. Boredom.
Which is the only reason i can think up as to why i am blogging about this. Ha..so guys, when you tear/cry, it's not because you are a cry baby, but because you are a functional human being with a healthy emotional life. Cry out loud! be proud that you can cry, cos the real time that is sad enough to cry about, is when you realise that you can no longer do so.

Stay Blessed and be loved

Brian

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

Hey guys..

I am not implying what this title means..haha..i'm doing fine here, just that this happens to be the new blog-song i have on, so there..

Anyway, that being said, i just came back from watching a play, the Phantom of the Opera. [Haha..beat you to it!] And for most part, it reminded me of what i had missed, and what i had imagined.

I was a small kid when i first went to watch it, had no idea what the theme or idea behind the whole theatre, but it was a cultural exposure and i am glad for it, cos it had left behind a deep impression, and i've always wanted to watch it again.

But there wasn't the chance to, so i turned and sought to fulfill the unmet desire with the soundtrack that thankfully my parent bought. That, and my imagination, i enacted the play between the Phantom, Christine, and Raoul in my head.

Until even that died out and it was forgotten for a while.

So here i am, just fresh from watching the play 'for real' this time, and i have to say, i was captivated every moment of the play, even laughing out when i caught the parts where the new actors made fun of the language that was made before, but there is some lost value to it somehow. The play seemed more of a remembrance sake, a tribute to the great musical that was, and no where is it near right now.

Or it could all be that i had built too high an expectation in my mind as i played and replayed the cd in my head, imagining a perfect play.

Heh..actually, looking back on things, i guess i really have a lot to be thankful for. I've had 2 great weekends, a ski trip, and a musical. And i really dun deserve to be thinking that my life has been unfulfilling and boring [it is, by the way. Don't we ALL think that way?]

Reminds me of a philosophical question i heard in the most funny drama [Ally Mcbeal] where Georgia asks Ally 'What makes your problems all so big and important?'

'They're mine.'

I must apologise for me having complained so much these days without knowing how blessed i have been. Ha..even though that just means that i am human too, but since i know better now, i have to do better too.

And i get to prepare worship for our cell group this week! which thankfully has changed to friday nights so i can go for it, AS WELL AS small group with Kevin Armstrong! hah..just great. [means 2 nights where i cannot get any work done..but who am i kidding? i wun get any work done even without these anyway..haha]

Yepp, so i'm beginning to enjoy the christian fellowship with the singaporeans here, and even the praise and worship in church nowadays. And some of my questions seems to be answered too, so i'll have to come up with more questions! ahha..yepps, God is GOOD!

Oh, and a miracle kinda happened too. Or Karma. Or just that God knows what i want and what i need and he gives them to me without me asking for it. [Ain't He just generous?] Well, to cut the story short, i kinda lost my Mp3 player last friday before the ski trip..and i had no idea where i had lost it. SO i checked out the lost and found for a couple of days, it wasn't there, so i gave it up as lost. Then God smiled on me, made me go for toilet during math class [which was a miracle as to why i even went..haha..but me going toilet for class is rare enough] and lo and behold, beside the toilet [where i would not have went to otherwise] was the sign that went:

"If you have lost a Creative Muvo Slim 1GB Mp3 player, i found it"

to which a certain smart ass idiot added 'which means if no one lost it you did not find anything?'

But the whole point was that it was the last place i would have expected anyone to find it, or be honest and put up a sign for it. It's really a miracle, cos the person could have just took it for her own if she wanted to. Totally fantastic.

And it WAS my very own one! hah..totally cool..i half expected it to be not mine..ha..

And to be honest, i did that favour for someone else too..found something and gave it back..God is good AND fair! hah..so there

Stay Blessed!

brian

Backdate to New York

Hey Guys...

Ha..it's gonna be quite a back date, since it's been like 18 days since i came back? sorta? haha..anyway, here are some of the photos that were taken, off daniel's camera cos i don't have my own..sigh..anyway, enjoy the photos!

And here is a cathedral near the rockefella centre in New York. Can't really remember what the name of this cathedral is, but just look at it..and imagine this in the middle of tall buildings that make up New York. It sounds so out of place, but when you see it, it just takes your breathe away. You'd stare at the high tips of the roof, the hugeness of the architecture, the beauty of the carvings and construct, the whiteness of the walls with the dark city buildings in the back ground and wonder how goodness is almost like a stain of white in the dark world we live in...

And oops, you realise that you are holding up traffic

And this is me looking all so small and ugly beside the beautiful sight that is the bird's eye view of New York city at midnight off the top of rockefella building. The view is fantastic, makes your heart forget to beat once [almost] and me with 3 other guys sharing this view..kinda makes me feel sad, but it IS a nice view..haha.. And here is the real bird's eye view from the top of the rock, looking down [as far as we dared to point the camera out] yepp..this shows you roughly how high we were off the ground.. And what can i say? the whole is so small! hah..Here we are, having dinner in a chinese restaurant where service is so poor, where they give us hot tea when we wanted cold water, where we had to sit with our stuff[shoppings] on our lap cos the floor was too dirty to place our stuff..but the food was great and the price is right..And here we meet Huiwei who had gone to UIUC where we have not met her since! hah..so cool to see you again! hope you're having fun now...haha..

Message in a bottle

Dear God,

I write letters. I LIKE to write letters. Sometimes i really do express myself better through letter, where no one is here to interrupt me, where when i'm lost for words or when my tongue is tied no one really knows, where i have the opportunity to express myself as well as the person imagines it, rather than me spoiling it with quirky actions or bad phrasing. Well sometimes i listen more than i get to speak, so i do letters. Emails now that we have emails, but i still do letters. But somehow i haven't written one to you yet, so here i go, on this blog that was originally dedicated to you, i'll write one to you.

Somehow i wonder, if you have always been looking over my shoulders when i write to my friends. Somehow, i wonder if you have already known what i was going to write before i formed the words in my mind. Somehow, i wonder why it is, i always feel better after writing the letter, even though my friend have not read it, even though i have not received a reply.

Somehow or rather, i wonder if i have always been writing to you.

And you have always used my friends to reply to me.

You surely know the ways to reach me, the ways that i will listen and read, the ways that i will understand and believe. You made me. Remember almost 21 years ago? you made me who i am, with secrets that only you know, secrets that maybe i know something about but no one else knows about. Secrets between the two of us, but it's not fair cos you know more of it than i do.

Anyway, it's a new year, 2007. My friend tells me that churches have declared it a year of victory. To me, it's a year when i will meet new people, go new places, learn new things, try new stuff. To me, it's a year when i will continue to do things as i have always done, to love as i always have, to make mistakes as i always do, and to grow as you would me mature. To me, 2007 is going to be like any other year, and yet not like any other year cos the dates now end with 07 instead and sometimes i forget that. It's going to be a year when i will face-off with my first winter, when i face-off with emotions i struggle with, when i face-off with questions that i have in my mind that you have given to me.

God, why do you give us the freedom to not know you? Even when you stand right in our face we could just miss you and walk past, even when we see things that scream out your name we pretend that we do not see it. And sometimes even when you call our name we wonder if it's just in our heads. God, why do you give us the freedom to not love you? The world would be a much better place if everyone was born knowing you and loving you don't you think? You would want us to CHOOSE to love you and thus make us not love you to start with, then why do we keep wanting to be what you have not made us to be?

Why do we want what we never have, and never want what we have, why do we seek answers only to realise that at the end there are more questions? Why are humans designed to want what we don't need, and need what we don't want? Is that what you are like too? you want what you don't need and need what you don't want?

Why do you give us so many questions, and make us run all over the world before realising that only you have the answers?

Why do you make things so divided in the world, when you are the one who can be a trinity and a whole? why can't the whole world understand that we are everything and we are one thing? Can we understand religion as many different factions and as one single faith? Can we take a person to be so many different people under different situations but still one and the same?

Well, that's a whole lot of questions for now. Hope you have the answers for me soon, cos i'll be looking for you. Hope that don't put you off. Thank you God, and you have a great year too!

you know who i am

Witchcraft 101

Hey guys,

I assume you all are kinda curious what i learn in my course..hahha..okay..lemme clarify..First of all, it isn't really witchcraft, but kinda like a scholarship into the phenomenon of witches in history, spanning from 400BC to 17th century. We study several different cultures to get a feel of what they understand by witchcraft/witches/magic, how they practice magic [or what they thought witches did], and hopefully eventually we will reach the part where we will study the intensive witch trials that took place in medieval Europe, the witch inquisitions.

To start off, magic was an essential part of most cultures. Remember in chinese customs there is the 'Da2 Xiao3 Ren2' where we have a paper figure with the persons birth timings and we keep hitting the paper with a clog? then we have the usual voodoo dolls where people poke pins and needles. Or there were specific spells where ancient greek/roman/egyptian/wadever were read to invoke certain kinds of effect onto some things. Example of which is a witch chanting a spell in a bowl of water, with the words describing an octopus, and afterwhich pouring the water on a vine and expecting it to sprout forth like an octopus sprouts off his tentacles.

Magic is done with an effect in mind, but the focus is on the process rather than the result. If say a spell was cast on a field to make it prosperous, and instead the crops failed, rather than blaming the magic, it was naturally reasoned that someone else with stronger magic had cursed the fields. Thus magic was not possible to disprove, and people chose to believe in it rather than doubt it.

In certain cultures, witchcraft instead had a 'scapegoat' effect in their lives, and was an answer to any particular failures that they met. For example, if a hunter took all the pains to ensure that he was not stepping on anything dangerous, but he still steps into a root and falls down, he will complain that he was fully aware of everything, but witchcraft had cursed his eyes to miss that root.

Other examples would be like if someone had made sure that he was 'magicked' against poison by the wiseman in the village, and made sure that he checked all the food before eating them, but still got poisoned, he'd cry that witchcraft was in effect rather than blaming the protection magics.

And as usual, there are the myths that spoke of witches that blew on brooms, gather at night for nefarious activities, including orgies, eating of children, cursing the community, or there are the other faction that believed that witches are sub conscious to their deeds, exercising their hereditory powers without knowing it, or there are those that believe witches are beings endowed with power from birth and are able to perform hexes naturally without spells and rites whereas magicians are those who specifically relied on rites and equipment and spells.

In conclusion, there are many different beliefs about witches and witchcrafts that differ from culture to culture, but it is generally held that the pattern of identifying witches are closely linked as to the social rules within the society, and that witches generally defied what was considered the social norms of that culture.

[mock prof] brian signing off..

Procrastinating Shrewd miser

There is no such thing as a procrastinating Shrewd Miser. If he were shrewd, he'd jump on every good opportunity, and being procrastinating simply cancels everything out. so he becomes a procrastinating loser with a capitol L..

Which i am using to describe myself.

A few days ago when i just got back to Ann arbor, i took to visiting all the bookstores to scout out the prices of the textbooks, one of which is my AE 225 text book. At first glace it cost me 170USD for a new copy, a used one if i could find one would be only 100, and if i found one at the student book exchange it'll be even cheaper.

So Shrewd miser me waited for the book exchange.

So book exchange came, and i procrastinated..for a few days. Until God knows what activated me i went down for it just now to find the Aero section empty. Then i went back to all the book stores one by one..

All were sold out..

So poor me have to search online for a copy, paying through my nose [i haven't even found it online yet] and have to share a text book with a friend meanwhile..which is hard enough considering we have such different schedules..okay..it's me who is different from them..haiz..

so procrastinating non-shrewd miser signing out..

Stay blessed!

New School Term

Hey guys, i suppose i owe you all a update on what i am going to do this semester? ha..not much to tell..

Basically the modules i am taking for this semester is the Engine 100 [required for all engineers to go through, it's kinda like a project work thingey], Aero 225 [Intro to gas dynamics], Math 215 [vectors and coord systems], and Religion 381 [witchcraft]

I'm actually kinda excited about 2 of these course, starting to dread one of it, and starting to get bored of the last one already..Aero 225 sounds really really technical but at the same time interesting, and the prof teachs well [i suppose], and the witchcraft class really got my attention now. Heh heh..so i go from a 'holy' course to a heretic one..hoho..kidding..

Engine 100 really scares me cos we have to gather in groups, which means i will be working with the local kids, and from what my friends told me, they had bad experiences working with some of them, either they ain't too motivated, or they have too much of a life out there. Somehow or another, i hope i dun end up with teammates who might drag me down. But then again, i am terrible at teamwork too..heh heh..so it's double kill..

Math 215 bored me today..ha..i saw the prof come in, and when she addressed the whole lecture group i half expected her to burst out in tears from the pressure or something. She is totally not confident of what she says, and she seems to inherit the same body language that my previous prof had, but while his body language exuded nonchalence and intelligence, hers betrayed some kinda fear or something..

Worse off..she started on some basic basic basic stuff like how to do vectors in 3D coord and she took SOO SOO long explaining it..i gave her some face, stayed for a while, but half hour into the lecture i could not take it and i started to leave the lecture room..total waste of time.

Yepp..thats my day.

The best part of the day happened 930AM in the morning, when a friend called in from Singapore! ha..Aunty Joanne! hah..totally surprised me. i saw your message in the morning, but i dun like to reply to singapore so i sorta ignored it, then you CALLED! ha..caught me off guard..i was getting off the bus somemore..ha..paisei i din talk much..ha..and yes, if you can, i will sit down with you at ben & jerrys and you can drag out all my secrets you want okay? ha..only as much as you can drag..ha..~bleah

Kinda remind me of the lyric 'and your friends will defend that silver lining'. Totally cool how when i let out that i am feeling down, i have friends and family calling in to make me feel better. Ha..totally feel loved, people..ha..thanks guys!

Stay Blessed!

Brian

Feeling Better [hopefully]

Hey guys,

Hah..i may not look it, but i was better today than yesterday. 'Less bad' describes today very well..haha..i was less bad today.

First off, i received a email from a friend, can even call her an old friend le, known her since 05 august. Ha..Daph! ha..finally finally you took the time to reply my email! hah..i tot you would ignore me forever! hah..forgive me! hmmm..but somehow i wonder if you read this blog..nevermind..ha..

Another pleasant surprise came from my mail box when another 'long-lost' friend came back [to haunt me..ha..kidding..bygones] Khai! hah..was such a nice surprise, and it was such a beautiful christmas card! ha..i was wondering if i was ever going to be priviledged enuff to receive a home-made card from you! ha..but i feel so guilty now..cos i din send you one..gosh..i am one evil angel ain't i? ha..Anyway, if you DO read this blog, please tag me? cos i'm kinda feeling empty from this blog..starting to feel like no one reads them anymore despite the hit counters..ha..

Yepp, and school wasn't THAT bad off, just an awful waste of time cos term just started and there's loads of admin to do, and they naturally assume we haven't gotten our texts yet so they cannot start anything [which is kinda true..]

And i daresay today was the peak of my illness..which only means that the nasty flu bug and the stomach flu virus will go downhill from here! hah..but those people who saw me today will agree that i looked dead..to be honest, up till 8PM i was thinking that i would do a good friday performance this week..die on friday and thru saturday and sunday and resurrect on monday..my prediction may still come through, if this keeps up i may just have to wall myself in my room to recuperate and sleep loads and drink loads of water and rest up so that i can 'resurrect' on monday..ha..we'll see

But all in all, this was a good day and i just wanted to share with you guys the 2 joys that embraced me today..ha..yepps..you guys take care too! and strive to keep that silver lining shining through!

Stay Blessed!

Brian

School Starts tomorrow

Hey guys..

Can guess that i'm not REALLY awfully excited about tomorrow..Aw well..school starts, a whole new semester, and past victories are forgotten. Even previous study mates drift off to seek new study mates and new 'brains' to latch on..and who knows..someone who did great last semester may very well struggle next semester, and someone who struggled may come out strong? ha..who knows? the magics of the new semester..everyone starts off on an equal footing..

Well, i'm not feeling fine and dandy..came back from vacation tired physically and emotionally, fell sick, think i ran a slight fever, had a slight flu, thankfully no slight cough, had a slight stomach flu..Ha..some kinda vacation..half of us wound up sick..

To top that off, i had this small notch of a shoulder ache that keeps bugging me..hopefully that clears up, or i'll have a bad day ahead tomorrow too..who knows? New Year is here already..

To Mom, i kinda realise that you read my blog, and i was kinda worried that you might press in and ask away how i was feeling, being lonely and all..i know you're being mom, and caring and all and i appreciate it, but i WAS feeling somewhat sick and somewhat ill at heart and somewhat lonely too just to even things out, and i really din want to talk about it, or have you worried. The only reason why i'm saying this here is by the time you read this i'll prolly be over it and fine so don't worry okay? thanks loads for caring..can feel it le.. :P

Looking on the bright side, at least i dun have to squeeze in a small room with 8 ppl again! haha..kidding..it was fun, and now i have the whole new year to look ahead! Fresh start, another chance to prove myself, and to excel at what i do, to live life the way i want to, to seek answers as i always have been seeking, and well, to keep friends close. A short list of my new year resolution.

1. To be a better person
2. To be a better musician
3. To be a better friend
4. To be reliable
5. To be healthy
6. To make Him smile [refering to God..i'm not gay..dun worry]
7. To be more fit [means gg to gym more often i hope..ha..]
8. To love and be loved [whatever that means..ha..kinda quoting from a friend here]

And before i forget, i wanna thank God for making me who i am today, someone who could give advises, someone who could tutor, someone who can find his way around strange cities with a map, someone who have a strange knack of making lil sisters along the way, someone who [hopefully] is capable of loving and being loved.

And the less selfish things i wanna thank God for; for giving me such a blessed life, for creating such a wonderful world, for creating people in His image [so we can catch a glimpse of who he is], for making tomorrow always 'less bad', or even the simple reason of making tomorrow always available.

To God who makes all things new, Cheers!

Stay blessed!

Brian

Back from Places!

Haa..hey guys..i'm back! woohoo..

Tired actually..this trip has been tiring..travel to a place, squeeze in a hotel room with 8 ppl, and then rush here and there to sight-see..

Realised that i'm not THAT interested to see America after all..it's just cities after cities..maybe i should have gone UK to study instead..hah..oops..

Quick Update, on the trip, i checked my results, and i got my 4.0! hah..safe for now..yet another semester to struggle through to maintain this..but that will be for another time.

To my parents, ha..sadly, i have spent loads on this trip..i will do a quick math and see if i have enough to last me til march..ha..but SHOULD have enuff..hah..

i have not gotten the photos yet, so i will not talk too much about it..

Suffice to say that in a huge city like newyork, and traveling with 8 ppl does not make me feel crowded or any less lonely..Ha..i guess the bottom line is that i still feel very lonely..

So much so that i had to pang seh my xiao mei [XY] and some1 cos i just feel more lonely hanging around them one night..then had to burn off the sore feelings walking around newyork alone at night. So sorry for myself sometimes..I mean, if you travel with 7 frens, and still feel lonely, something's wrong right?

Yups..but i'm over that for now so dun worry..i will try to blog again about the trip once i got the photos yah?

Take care! God Bless