Insecurities

Dear all,

Ha..finally..i guess now i am about to reveal something that i may have never considered admitting..

Insecurities..wonder how many people actually have that, but do not mention it to other people..

Insecurities..wonder how many things in life can I actually be insecure about..

Insecurities..wonder what i can do to get back that sense of security again..

Insecurities..i suppose it comes with growing up and being responsible for your own actions..

For most parts of my life, i haven't lived. That goes the same for everyone i suppose, but really, i wonder, how much of my life have i lived..kinda late to say that now that i've already gone maybe 1/4 of the way [wah..really ambitious! ha]

I really haven't lived..haven't made decisions for myself..everything seemed to just come by and i just pluck them right from the sky. Not trying to say that i am not thankful for them, or i should consider people who are not as lucky as i am, but that's not the point. I am thankful for all the blessings in my life, my friends, my confidantes and my 'achievements'.

But i still haven't lived..

Come to think about it, what are some of my ambitions? To be a role model[far from it], to mature [old liao..not yet there..haiz], to be popular[not really...ha..]..still remember when i was a kid when i wanted to be a lawyer for no better reason than because Atticus Finch [from 'To Kill A Mocking Bird] was one], and to be a good father [because Atticus was one too], to be a SNAG [Sensitive New Age Guy, cos i watched the drama..], to be a hero in our age [role model..making sacrifices for other's sake]..to be who i can be..

And lately i've added to these 'goals': to care for people, to share what i have [my blessings] with people, and be spiritual[way far far from it] and to know Him more and to truly be a son of God. To learn the guitar [far from it too..but the passion is dying down], and now to learn violin, to drive, to complete my studies, to visit my friends, to be back home where i can sweat profusedly, to start working and buy my own car, to live a jap/korean drama-like life where i get to work, knock off, go for drinks with a close friend, have romantique experience with some nice girl in my life, then later get married, have children, teach them to grow up living their lives, and complete my life at a ripe old age surrounded by loved ones..

Kinda scary to list out my life goals in one paragraph. kinda empty too..wonder how those people who have pages upon pages of autobiography written about their lives managed to do that..what wonderful people they must have been to have been written about. and my life is just going to sparkle for a few moments and die off. Just like that..

Then i will finally find out who God is and how is God like. Wonder if i can get to know him while i'm still here..

Frankly, i've been doing loads of thinking about my own religion. wonder if i HAD made a wrong choice doing this religion class..In a basic sense, i find that the knowledge i glean is meaningful, that i learn a lot, in fact, got to know who Jesus really was like, what He did and what he DID NOT do..but at the same time, i got to know how people can write about him and pervert how he lived his life to fulfill their own goals and agendas. and how later people can read the same literature and text and derive totally different meanings from it. and honestly, while it is all fascinating, it starts to build a seed of doubt, where i truly reconsider what i know to be true. Or what we all consider to be truth.

I for one, cannot bring myself to blindly believe. I cannot bring myself to 'unlearn' what i have now, and i believe the truth will not be diminished with what i have learnt, even though it casts a different light on it. So God, if you are reading this right now, i will admit that i may be a little more bit unteachable, but i also know that you are patient and that both you and I have all eternity to learn about each other. So i dun believe you are pestering me to rush in my belief. Or IF you ARE, then you'd know what it takes to convince me too. Maybe that is really what i need..

Insecurities..like i said, i haven't really lived most of my life. People made decisions for me, or influenced me enough to do so. The only major decision i made is where i am for my future studies. Even the fact that i am going abroad for studies seem to be decided for me by someone else. Ha..so much for making THAT decision. I only got to choose where to go..big deal..

Insecurities..who i am? why am i doing things? Why sometimes i believe God for a change for almost a year now and i still am not changed? Why sometimes i believed that one powerful service was going to be the turning point in my life where i get rid of something vile in my life, but it still lurks around? Why even when i tot i came half-way around the world 'fleeing' from that, it still follows me here?! ha..sounds scary? maybe it is..what kind of person am i really?

Insecurities..why do i procrastinate so? i have 2 midterms coming, 1 on monday evening, 1 on tuesday morning..and i am blogging now, and have wasted the whole saturady watching Jap drama[not regretting that tho..ha]..why do i disdain making the effort to plan out my studies for the next 3 years so that i will know what i have to do? why do i freakin don't want to make my academic advising appointment? [luckily i dun need that one to register for classes tho..ha..]

Insecurities..why do i tink about girls ? [muahahaha] why do i tink about playing my NWN games, only to tire of it after an hour? why do i hermit in my room for a whole day, decline to watch the 'game of the century' [michigan vs ohio in football], decline to go Stucchi's for icecream, and keep imagining that some1 knocked on my door?

Haha..guess that is enuff to confuse you guys what i am talking about..ha..kinda raving about everything and nothing there..indulge me for a moment kay? you guys take care too!

-end-
and the purpose to life is?